(Written by Jordan Gault)
We are all addicts. That statement may confuse you, or upset you, or empower you. Addiction is viewed so often in a negative light, that no one wants to be called an addict. But what if your addiction is the cause of your happiness rather than your dismay?
What if the thing you are addicted to brings you joy and release and comfort. For me, this is where the idea of addiction is transformed into passion.
Throughout my four years at various universities, I studied in the school of business and did quite well in my academics. If someone were to look at a transcript that laid out each semester during these four years, they would see that both of my freshman semesters is where I excelled the most.
The funny thing is, these numbers could not be more misrepresentative of my life during these times.
I spent my first two semesters of college at the University of South Carolina and subsequently Northern Virginia Community College, but where I was is of little importance. What is important is that during these 12 months, I was unable to make any music. I had been writing and recording since early on sophomore year of high school, but because of a switch in computers and recording software, I could do nothing. This is where the concepts of addiction and passion crossed paths.
Regardless of how well I was doing in school, something inside of me always knew that my writing and my music were my passions.
It was not until I lost the ability to create music that I realized it was more than just a passion, it was an addiction. Without the ability to express myself and vent about the things I was experiencing, I began to experience some of the same symptoms a person going through withdrawal might feel. Some nights I barely slept. I ate but it wasn’t often.
I hardly made friends and would spend most of my time in isolation. I began to have an obsessive focus on academics and outside sources of fulfillment, but was left still feeling empty. This is why out of the entire four years I spent in college my GPA was highest during this semester. I had never realized it before, but I was addicted to making music. This was my source of happiness, this was my source of meaning, this…was my escape.
Finally after a year of being trapped within myself, with no way of escaping, I was able to work out the new equipment and began to record again. After being away from the music for so long, I was able step back into the creative process with a completely different outlook. This was no longer a hobby to me, no longer just something I did for fun on the weekends, or some way of impressing my peers.
This time I understood how powerful music was for me and how much I needed it to express who I am and how I got there.
Through the years since this reintroduction to music, I have gone through a lot of creative swings that coincide with my life. This time is no different. This mixtape is an exploration of my mind, my heart, and my constantly shifting views on the things going on around me.
In total, I’ve been creating music for over 8 years now, and in that time music has become so many different things to me. It’s been a way to express myself, a way to expand my creativity, and a way for me to stand out from the crowd.
Beyond anything else, music has been my therapy, my way of dealing with the curve balls that life has thrown my way. On this most recent project I open up about the things that I’ve been through in the past year and the emotions that accompany those events. I always want to be as honest as I possibly can with my music, no matter how difficult the story may be to tell.
I’ve come to believe strongly that what you’ve gone through and how you react is what makes you who you are, and it is important not to run from those things but to embrace them and ultimately to learn and grow from these things.
In this same sense, throughout my years of trying to find my sound and find out what kind of music I am really here to make, I’ve found that it is more taxing on me mentally to try and put up a façade or create an image that doesn’t reflect who I am as a person. On this mixtape I am expanding my sound into new styles and genres that I haven’t really attempted before.
I have always been a fan of melody but have been nervous about other’s opinions on my ability to sing, or my ability to write lyrics outside of the normal “hip-hop” genre. I am finally at a point in my life where I am comfortable with who I am and the sound I’ve found, that I don’t want to hold anything back simply because of fear of judgment. At the same time, I want to stay true to who I am as a rapper and put my best foot forward lyrically. As a result of this sonic duality, the tape began to take a shape that seemed to have a very definitive split.
Over the past year or so I’ve experienced the decay and eventually the complete erosion of a relationship that was incredibly important to me. Normally in the rap world, putting out records about heartbreak and the depression that often accompanies this loss wouldn’t be taken very seriously.
This industry is so well known for having a tough exterior, that writing songs about the long and sleepless nights doesn’t seem to fit. I struggled for a bit when deciding whether or not I wanted to release any of these records I was making or to just keep them for myself and maintain that more classic hip-hop image.
Over multiple months of making song after song about my progression through this loss, I decided that it would be selfish of me to hold on to all of this music. I am well aware that many people will be surprised when they hear this first half of the mixtape, but have realized that we are all experiencing the human condition together and that it is important to explore all aspects of it.
At our core, we are all emotional beings, all with the desire to love and be loved on whatever scale is necessary for our happiness. For some it’s being loved by millions and having adoring fans, while others are content living their life with one person by their side until the grave. While trying to figure out what kind of love I was really searching for, I discovered the kind of love I really needed.
The most important thing for my happiness is to love myself. That sounds super cliché and it absolutely is…but it’s also incredibly true. I realized that no matter how much I did to make other people love me, if I didn’t love myself than it would all eventually leave me feeling empty.
This is where the second half of the mixtape picks up. As much as I needed to write the records on the first half to deal with my emotions and unravel my thoughts, I needed to make the second half to get back in my groove and have some fun. I am a firm believer in another cliché idea that sunshine is nothing without the rain. I needed the pain to enjoy the freedom. I needed the loss to show me what I really had.
Once I found myself and became more comfortable in who I am as a person as well as an artist is when the confidence started to come out. This second half of the mixtape is more of the classic hip-hop feel that most of my longer term fans are used to. In the same way that I have been nervous about my singing ability, as a naturally self-conscious person I have always been a bit hypercritical of my own raps.
As I’ve grown more and more throughout the years, I started to realize that I truly have been gifted an incredible ability to rap and I’ve got a style that can stack up to any of the top rappers in today’s game. This second part of the mixtape is all about me getting back on my feet and starting the climb towards my dreams of being a successful musician.
It’s about not letting the challenges that I face keep me down, but rather using them to build myself up, knowing that I can overcome these struggles. I know that this is going to be a long and treacherous climb, but I’ve got all my gear on and I’m ready to get started up this mountain.
