There were days I enjoyed- days I could wake up and be thrilled to have life. Sadly, there were also days I wanted to throw the covers over my face and drown in self-pity. It was not the life I wanted for myself. I couldn’t keep doing this.
It wasn’t so bad. I tried so hard to become someone. I tried to please others for the sake of not having to be told I was a failure. Slowly, but surely, the disease of perfectionism became my worst nightmare.
I hated where my thoughts would take me. I hated knowing emptiness was deep down inside of me—a longing to be who I was created to be. I am unique and I knew that. But the world—in all its false glory—stole that from me. If I didn’t finish everything I started, I was a failure. If I didn’t meet everyone’s expectations, I could do better.
My inner dialogue went a lot like this, “I didn’t do this to the best of my ability. I could have done this task quicker at work. I could have a quicker sense of wit. I could be prettier. I could lose more weight because [she] told me so. My life does not measure up to everyone else’s.”
Oh and how I just wanted to scream. With every ounce of my being, I just wanted to SCREAM from the very depths of my soul. No one understood me. I was living my life, but not in the abundance I was promised.
You see, Jesus told me through Scripture that I would live a life that never ended. He told me my life would not end on earth, that it would be taken up to another realm through spirit. He promised me this life! But how could I attain it when the world was vying for my attention?
How could I deserve such a gift- Me, Tayler, a non-perfectionist? I had a need to be known, understood, and cared for. Thankfully there was a Man waiting to fill that void. He has been sitting with me, waiting and listening. For twenty-four years, Jesus pursued me. All the while, I was oblivious. I did not see Him in the flesh, so it didn’t seem real.
So He must not be as real as He says He is, right? Oh no. No. No. No.
HE IS MORE. He is more than my eyes can see; He is more than the air I breathe; and His love for me has always been the same.
My Papa in Heaven cured my disease of perfectionism by showing me the ONLY perfect One. I put my hope and utmost trust in Him, knowing He will never fail me or call me to be perfect. He just calls me to look up at the Perfect One.