I am no expert in what it means to be perfect.
What it means to be the better person in this world. It’s hard to know what it means to really feel like you deserve things. Like you are worth more then what you give credit for. Trust me when I say… I lost my self worth; but I am slowly gaining it back…. and I mean slowly.
What is it? Is it a feeling, a tingling sensation in your heart and soul that makes you feel like you are on top of the world? You read these quotes on Facebook, Tumblr, and books about being you and that you are enough but sometimes it seems like life questions that. With the obstacles thrown at you like bullets on a wooden block, every hit creating a dent on the surface until one actually goes through.
The piece of gum on someone’s shoe, the trash people throw in the garbage but miss the can and instead hits the ground and its left there as if it’s unimportant. That gum, that piece of trash, that was me a few years ago. I felt a pain that was indescribable yet by some others could be a universal feeling.
There were a lot of things occurring in my life starting my senior year of high school and eventually got worse when I entered college. I thought going away, leaving a home that was stressful and moving on from a past that really broke my heart might have made me feel better, but in reality, it didn’t. It was as if life was testing me; seeing if I can run this race that it was putting me on and testing to see if I can actually push myself to pass the finish line. But the sad thing was I didn’t know where the finish line was.
Looking back I didn’t realize how lost I was. I was pretending that everything was okay, that I could forget and move on by bottling everything inside. But what I didn’t realize was that bottles get full.. full to the point in which they can topple over and break. Last semester of my junior year I felt like I was getting there. It was sad, I was sad…not sure if I was depressed. But I was sad I got to there…to that level.
I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to feel like I am at a point in my life where I am not at my best. And that is important…my best is all that matters and not anyone else’s standards. I realized within myself that I am the one who can change the place I was in and turn a new leaf so to speak.
Its not easy and I am still working on it. But lately I have been hearing other peoples stories, listening to their lives and their thinking, and I think to myself why… why do those things? Why hook up with someone who doesn’t care about you? Why study something you don’t love? Why make others happy and not yourself? Why be someone you are not? Why let people degrade you? Why not feel like you deserve more then what you set forth?
Honestly, I don’t know the answer… I ask these questions about others… but not to myself and that’s the mistake I made. You are what matters.. What keeps you going, what allows you to wake up in the morning and continue the life you set forth. Your loved ones can push you to get to where you want to be, but you are the only one who can pass that finish line.
Where is that finish line? Only you can decide. Its not “set in stone mark”; it can always change but just make sure you are trying to finish it. Because if you don’t try you get lost to the point where it may not be easy to get back on track. Feel it in you that you are what you want to be, what you deserve to be. You are worth more then you see, so open your eyes and really see the person you are and value that. I am still learning that, but I know I am slowly getting there so don’t be afraid to get there too. It takes time and patience but we will eventually get there hopefully.
Thank you for reading my self worth…so far.