Why is it we always end up wanting people when they don’t want us? Is it the chase? Is it the feeling of being wanted?
After about a year of talking to my girlfriend, I ended it. Things weren’t what they were. Arguing on the phone turned to yelling at each other face to face. The couple we once were just wasn’t existent. I knew it. She knew it. I thought maybe if we took some time off and worked on ourselves that we would eventually find our way back. In a perfect world, that is. In reality, I broke her heart. She was in love with me and I crushed her. I made her feel the lowest she ever has. The loneliest she’s ever felt.
Usually she would always start the conversations. I was the one starting them. Turns out, she found someone else. She already moved on. At first I was okay, but after seeing posts on social media, it got to me. How could she already move on? I thought she was in love with me? I was all of a sudden the one reaching. The one asking questions. The jealous one. I then started to reflect on the times that we had. The connection that we shared. The way she treated me. She would have done anything for me. She was my best friend. How could I let her go? Why didn’t I think of this when I was with her?
The days started to seem longer. I found myself laying in bed just hoping she would text me most of the nights. Now, I was the one that was crushed. I was feeling her pain. I deserved it. I tried to get a second chance. Apologizing for all the times I hurt her. Telling her “it won’t happen again”. Let me tell you, there are only so many “I’m sorry” texts that you can send. I sent them all. You see, the problem is, when you hurt someone so much, they’re so scared that you’ll hurt them again. It’s so easy for them to remember those lonely days when they needed you.
I miss her. Everyday. I can’t believe I pushed her away.
I recently gained this perspective that she was the one all this time. Sitting right in front of me. The person that I’ve asked God to bring me for so long. And I realized all of it, the second she moved on.