It’s been four years.
Four years with almost no word from you.
Four years of working on fixing what you broke.
Four years of pushing every boy away that tried to get to close.
Four years of trying to remember what it’s like to love someone as much as I loved you.
The story of us ended so long ago it seems as if it didn’t really happen.
When I think back on our memories, I feel as if I’m almost fabricating the good times to overcompensate the bad ones.
It’s not that I even miss you anymore. I don’t miss our memories. I don’t miss talking to you.
I have moved on from you.
What I do miss is me. My self-confidence. My ability to trust.
You not only took three vital years of my life, but with that, you took my ability to feel.
The scars you left me with were so deep, I had no choice but to shut off all emotions.
I never wanted to risk feeling that extent of hurt and self-hatred again.
For four years, I have been empty.
For four years, I have never been able to take a compliment.
For four years, I have never trusted a boy that tells me he “likes me.”
How could they like someone who is so damaged?
You knew me so well, and you consistently pointed out all that was wrong with me.
If the person I was so madly in love with could see how awful I was, it was only a matter of time before those boys would find out too.
These letters usually include a “thank you” to the boy that broke them.
I do not thank you. I am not thankful you were in my life.
I have held back from so many experiences, and for that, I hate you.
I hate you for making me hate myself.
I hate you for walking away from this relationship without any understanding of how deeply you traumatized me.
I hate you for providing me with the idea that being in love was accompanied with abuse.
I hate that I ever made excuses for your behavior.
I am writing this now because this is the first time in four years I am willing to feel something besides hate.
I am ready to let someone tell me they like me, and believe it.
It is not easy, and it absolutely terrifies me, but I am ready to trust again.
I am ready to believe that there is something about me worth liking.
I am ready to let myself be as happy as the day I first met you.