For 18 years I lived a cold story repeated over and over, in the winters of my mind.
One night I stood outside and looked up to the stars with my watery, hollow eyes questioning my self-worth. My emotions were an amusement park in a tornado of confusion. In 2012, my world almost ended… The Mayans were almost right. I blamed myself for everything. Why I wasn’t in the cool crowd, why didn’t girls share the same feelings I had for them and why can’t I be like everyone else? I was outside for hours torturing my mind with these questions.
It’s an endless abyss with little light hitting the bottom. Its like building up a championship worthy team and get to the playoffs and lose in crucial game 7’s. That heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, sickening feeling that overwhelms you when all your energy is… just wasted on an golden opportunity. Your body goes numb, emotions constantly fluctuating and burdens begin to get heavier on your frail back.
It took some deep meditation and some years, but I came to a groundbreaking conclusion. I know my value, my worth and what I deserve. I know and believe that everybody was created equally, but at the end of the day I feel that I’m better than most people. I mean no disrespect when I say that, it’s just that’s my motivation that forces me to work hard at everything I do.
I had to learn to stop comparing my life to others and focus simply on mines. I had to learn that if people don’t connect with me, it’s simply them not me. I had to stop questioning and beating myself up when people don’t like me because I’ve beat the odds. I’ve been getting slept on for way too long. And I’ve been waiting patiently for way too long.
I see myself as a king. I respect and hold myself in the highest regard. I don’t come second to no one in my opinion. I’m not a joke and I’m not here for people’s entertainment. I’m not conceited or pretentious. No, I’m just a real person with real thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I just be myself all the time and some people accept that, others don’t. I’m comfortable and at peace with that. I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m an open, honest and real person. I’m passionate, down to Earth and caring. I have a big heart. I’m also humble and cocky.
I don’t need a partner or person to determine my worth because I know it. I’m not out here trying to be something I’m not just to impress a handful of people. I don’t need likes or shares to validate me either. I’m open to constructive criticism, but I really don’t care about other people’s opinions about me. I’m the biggest critic on myself, so I don’t need other people to coach me or give me pep talks. I give them to myself on the daily basis from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.
It honestly takes too much energy for me to be fake or hate people. So much energy is wasted and drained from that. It gets to the point where its useless and stupid. Why spend the positive energy you have, get converted into negative energy on people who want to bring you down to their level? Believe me when I say it’s all love on my end. It truly is, I’m going to give you love regardless even when you sticking a knife in my back. I believe that’s the best thing you can do for people, this eye-for-an-eye stuff only leaves people blinded. Why blind people even more with the world we live in today? For the people that wronged me at some point, I forgive them and keep it moving.
That’s not the case at all. I’m a human being that’s wants to make the world a better place. I sincerely do, I don’t go out my way to do spread evil throughout the world. I mean I make my mistakes, but again I’m human. I smoke weed, drink and curse that’s about it. I don’t steal, cheat, hurt or do any serious things.
I’m not making this up to get attention or put me in your good graces, no this is me. I’m not saying I’m Jesus either, I just truly try to help make the world a better place and spread love.
Being that type of person in this world today is extremely difficult. The world is a hard place, it constantly tries to break people wills and swallow them up. Swallow them up until they’re hollow, generic shells that conforms to majority rule.
Every day i’m faced with that battle. Sometimes I feel like just selling out and joining the club, but I can’t do that. Some days I be at the point where I’m about to break, mentally and physically. But I can’t conform to society standard and be brought down to that level. I can’t transform into a person hating on the next man when there’s no need to. It’s hard being the type of person I am in this world. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era and feel foolish to try to uphold my standards and morals. But that’s my identity, that’s just who I am.
I’m not writing this to get sympathy or attention. I’m simply just a writer writing out his frustrations. It just disheartens me to keep getting overlooked, underappreciated and underestimated. I don’t want to have a chip on my shoulder when I’m doing things just to prove other people wrong. I feel as if I’m doing them out of spite, even though I’m passionate and willing to do them on my own free, joyful will. I don’t want to entertain or give those people a show. No one deserves that and it’s sad people do that for free.