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SAT: Just a Hoax

August 19
by
Vinay Patel
in
Creative Outlets
with
.

Language Arts teachers just love synonyms in essays. In an ideal world for me, people aren’t judged on their ability to know pointless “vocab.”

Apparently, knowing words that mean other words makes you smarter than others; I know that after incorporating synonyms into my essays, my essay grades were notably higher. Perhaps my true opinion on synonyms can be found in a satirical letter which I hand wrote (and later converted to typed text) to the College Board asking for change in the SAT. I received no response.


Dear College Board,

I must laud you for your extraordinary work creating the SAT test. I especially admire your sentence completion section. I wholeheartedly agree that testing children on their ability to cram vocabulary into their heads is necessary so colleges can choose the students who have a lot of time on their hands over those who childishly save their brain space for other things.

We must put our effort into instilling the words “castigate, berate, vituperate, reprimand and chide,” all of which mean the same thing, into the minds of the younger generation.

Without knowing these words, where would society be? We would be using the same words to refer to our theses, avoiding befuddlement to the readers.

Writers would eliminate the fallacy that those who use the word “coerce” are smarter or at least more literally cogent than those who write “force.” Can we afford this? Nay, it is our God-given duty to ensure that “unintelligent” beings live their lives under the ubiquitous premise that their failure to cram synonyms into their minds in time for the SAT makes them not as good.

It is fortunate that colleges use your excellent test to determine whether they should accept or reject applicants. Permitting individuals who don’t embrace synonyms to walk through the gates of prestigious universities would tarnish their good names.

Our left temporal lobe must be filled to the brim with the words that fortify our society’s foundation, synonyms. As the weaklings who do not put the effort into memorizing these words are rooted out of the competition, we literary geniuses will thrive and coerce the world to castrate under our supremacy.


Resolutely yours,

Vinay Patel 

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