BREATHE.

It’s time….Now.
Let go.
Start……and keep going.

I’m not here to give a motivational speech, and definitely not here to tell anyone that I know what’s right, or what works when it comes to figuring out this world, and this thing called life. So, it’s important to start off by saying, I don’t know what’s right or what works. But…..you do.

You get to figure out what works best on your own. It’s not anyone else’s idea. It’s not anyone else’s opinion forced onto you. It’s the beauty of discovering what lies within your own intuitions and your own curiosities. It’s something to look forward to every day. Because it happens every day…and when you find it, you’ll look forward to every day. Only you can find that. And…only you can make the choice to do it. Whatever “it” is.

I believe only you can know what’s right, and what works… and that’s the most exciting part.

When you find and trust in your own intuition and curiosities, it really doesn’t matter what anyone has to say about how you might consider going about living this life of yours. After that, I mean it’s honestly up to you what you want to let in, let go of, share, create, and ignore, isn’t it? I don’t know. I’d hope so. That’s all you.

So…….

BREATHE

Now…

There’s something we all want to hear. That we are unique. That we are special. That we are gifted. Different from the rest. Going to be somebody. Guess what? In all honesty, each one of us?…we are. That is what is so awesome. And no, that’s not a bunch of sappy feel good shit. We are each unique. Get used to it, and see how positive it is.

That’s what’s so cool about this world. Each one of us has something to bring to the table. Just be open to finding what section of the table that is for yourself. Then… own it. Find the people who help you own your spot at this table, and then you can strive to develop a section of the table that you can lead and direct. Just remember, you can’t lead this metaphorical table without having people sitting near you first.

Be open to finding those people who sit near you, you’ll know them when you find them.

These are the people who matter on your journey. Help them make sure they know the spot that they own, and watch as that helps you to own your spot even more. It begins to expand the section of the table around you and you’ll find more people near you. When you can start to see the table as a whole, and as your area of the table expands, then you can start to offer a direction for the table. Until then, find your spot and take a seat. You’re in for an awesome ride in this life.

BREATHE. Mini break time. Think about an idol of yours.
Who is your idol? Who do you most admire? Do you have that person in mind? If not, stop right now and think about who that is…then continue.

It is extremely special to have someone to admire. To have someone who inspires you. Whether that’s a famous writer, sculpture, architect, innovator, creator, dreamer, visionary, politician, actor/actress, family member, leader, entrepreneur, developer, and the list goes on and on. We need people like these to learn from (the good and the bad) and to inspire us to live life in a similar fashion or in a completely new way.

You know what sucks, but is also cool? You won’t be the next (enter name of person you have in mind). No one is going to be the next Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Marie Curie, or whomever your idols are that span different areas of interest. We learn from and/or read about these figures (and many others that we idol) and sometimes, or in some ways, we want to be just like them. It’s a great thing. But, also a problem.

The one thing that these folks have in common is that they most likely followed their own intuitions and curiosities to become who they are. They didn’t read up on the person they admired before them and then do everything that person did or live their lives in the same fashion that person did. It just doesn’t work like that. They were themselves, and they did what each of us has to do: make mistakes, learn from others around us and from the experiences we have, make our own decisions and sacrifices, dedicate time to discover and follow our own intuitions and curiosities, find our passions, cry, be mad, be sad, be happy, find happiness, explore, learn, fall, fail, succeed, etc.

Keep this special person in mind. They most likely had someone they kept in mind like that too.

But… do you. Have some faith and patience if you haven’t found what you love doing yet. It will only come by letting go, being the real you, and making a choice to follow your own intuitions and curiosities (which should be exciting). You may not initially find yourself connecting with those currently around you (or you’ll be pleasantly surprised), but then there is only one way to start connecting with the people that you should, and it will happen way easier when you are the real you. Go be that person who someone else idolizes like you do now. Start now, by learning how to be you. Then, don’t stop being open to being the best version of yourself. This world changes fast. The more we can be open to positively change with it, the better off we’ll be.

One last time, BREATHE. Relax, you are already you. There’s really not much work required. It’s just time to listen to you. Love you. Respect you. Believe in you. And, keep being you. All it is, is a choice. I can’t make it. And, I’m not going to tell you to make it or when to make it. But, I know someone who can make it…

You.

If you want to find out if I might sit at the metaphorical table near you or you feel like we probably sit at the table near each other, or have any questions or comments at all, reach out. Add me on Facebook, follow me on instagram, and/or email me. I will respond.

The very first week of my freshman year at university, I joined a sorority. My mother was in a sorority, all her friends were in sororities. For me, this felt like the pinnacle, the first and most important choice of my college career. These were the girls I was picking to be my best friends, my closest confidants, my “future bridesmaids.” I bought the Tory Burch sandals. I monogrammed my whole life. I drank the Kool-Aid.

My first year in my sorority was everything I could have wanted. I made those close friendships. I took all the perfect pictures to make my life look like a Insta-dream. I partied hard and threw moral reasoning to the wind. Everything was good.

Then sophomore year came around and I started to feel that tug. You know, that sickly feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you things aren’t right? It didn’t happen immediately, but it crept in slowly and it was undeniable. The girls I was living with, the girls who I called my “sisters” had completely different views about life than I did. And the more my views developed and pulled away from the views they had, the more they began to ridicule me. My beliefs about politics, human rights, religion, sex, everything…felt like a target on my back. My freshman year I had been consumed with a desire to fit in, to be well liked. And I had achieved it!

But at what cost?

By the start of this year, my junior year of college, a time when most people’s relationships with the people around them have solidified and grown deeply rooted in mutual love and respect, I felt like an island. Here I was, 20 years old, stranded in a sea of people who seemed to know exactly who they were and what they were about, totally isolated. I didn’t feel proud of my beliefs because they weren’t what my peers found praiseworthy. I wished all the time I could continue living like the girls I wanted so desperately to embrace me. But I knew I couldn’t change the values that were so integral to who I was as a person. The only thing I could do if I wanted to find those true friendships was to make a change.

So I struck out on my own in search of acceptance, fearing rejection. I don’t believe there are many things more lonely than putting yourself out there, trying to find friends when you feel like you have no one by your side. I felt like everyone around me had already found their place, like everyone knew where they fit and I was the spare part that wasn’t needed by anyone.

The secret to getting through those moments of utter loneliness is to understand that the way that you are feeling is a lie.

No 20-year-old has it all figured out. Everyone can use more friends. If they think they don’t, they’re lying to themselves even more than you are. And you are not, not, NOT a spare part. You are a vital part of the world around you. Your beliefs, your thoughts have the potential to make your school, your workplace, your sorority a more diverse and understanding environment. You are unique, you are special. You are someone’s child, someone’s student, someone’s neighbor, someone’s friend. You can be someone’s parent, someone’s spouse, someone’s teacher or coach or boss. You have the power to speak life into the existence of someone who feels dead inside, to be an example of what it looks like to be brave and step out in favor of your beliefs, to look at rejection and say “you can’t keep me down forever.”

I found an organization who’s description spoke to my heart about what I was looking for. And then I found another, and another. I invested time in these places, and I planted seeds of friendships. I dug deep holes for my seeds and buried them far below the surface. I nurtured them with care; I helped them grow over coffee and long conversations. I delighted when they sprouted little blossoms of laughter, and I rejoiced when what started out as small buds among thorns of tears and shared sadness bloomed into the most beautiful flowers of trust and companionship.

This year, I learned that it’s okay to feel lonely sometimes, but you don’t have to stay there long. You are not a rock. If you feel repressed or unappreciated, you don’t have to hunker down and tough it out. You can move, you can grow, you can start all over whenever you want. I promise there are people out there who can’t wait to know someone as amazing as you.

My roommate told me she was waking up early one morning to go work out.

My alarm does its best to wake me as gently as it can (waking up can be a violent affair here), so it pinched me and prodded me  until I could open my eyes (and even then the waking up was raw and mean). The only thing worse than being awake that morning was the daunting task of wearing a real bra, so a sleep addled brain made the mostly unconscious decision to dress down. I didn’t fully awaken until I was out the door, bag in tow.

When I left, my roommate was still asleep. That was somewhat of a comfort to me. Not that I don’t want her to be motivated and fit and successful and enviable because of course I do want the best for her and all that. But in a selfish way, her moment of weakness reminded me that being here is as tiring to other people as it is to me.

Being here is slipping in and out of consciousness between the hours of noon and three, while curled up around my body pillow with a book in my lap. I have things to do, but I’m also tired of carrying this heavy weight that is my head on my neck on my shoulders.

At Wake Forest I’m taking a Japanese History course; I don’t know why, because I can. And since I don’t have to take Japanese History, I couldn’t let it be the first thing to make me cry. And then my biology course is pre-med, so it dangles my english major brain 0ver a void of uncertainty, yelling you will never know enough to be confident. And my psychology class threatens to be too boring to write about.

Despite all this, it’s not the classes or the late nights studying that causes my daily exhaustion.

Tired is embedded deep into my bones and lathered onto my skin.

It’s on the tip of my tongue and is so topically a description of myself that it answers enough questions that it’s troubling. How are you: tired. Who are you: tired.

My friends and I go out on Friday nights, and we forget our obligations in order to dance, so devoid of trouble we find it funny when some dude offers us cocaine because we let go of our inhibitions and let the night take us to another reality.

We are not rooted here, which allows for us to be swept up into the pulsing air of Friday night, floating like leaves, happy, weightless beings of young potential and too-much-to-loose, college-age freefallers. But when I am in Subway at 2 am with people I’ve only known for a month and no one is paying attention to me, gravity comes back like a deadweight, and I let my head fall into my hands.

I could sleep there, if I let myself.

I’ve only cried twice here. I almost cried when my Japanese History teacher told me that contributing in class is a requirement. But today I got a good grade on my first quiz because dammit I can write but not speak, and small triumphs will tide me over to the shore.

I haven’t cried because I missed my parents. I haven’t cried because the mean girl on my hall said something unfriendly. I haven’t cried because I was so sick I couldn’t talk for a week.

I know now that having roots at home in Raleigh is something I took for granted. The growing process in Winston, Salem is more painful than I ever imagined it could be. Even though, yeah, I have a friend who came to me (me!) for a hug when she was homesick, And yeah, I have a friend who shows me poetry that speaks to my soul and tells me that I would get along with her friends at home. And yeah, my mattress is magnetic enough that I wouldn’t leave it voluntarily even when the weight on my shoulders isn’t so bad. And yeah, linguistics is the passion I didn’t know I had. And yeah, my home is only a two hour drive away.

But here is not a home in the way that my best friend is, even for an hour talking on the phone when she tells me she’ll be here next weekend, and suddenly I’m crying the happiest tears and not able to stop. She won’t even be here but for a few minutes after a club soccer game. Yet I hug her so hard our faces crash together and I hold her hand and I cry to the sound of her voice. There’s something about leaning back on something you’d invested in at home.

Especially when here, you’re a commitment-less, obligation-less, anthropomorphous student-shaped seed looking for the right place to plant herself.

If I don’t get an A in all my classes this semester, it’s because I was napping too often and refusing to drink caffeine, but I won’t let myself forget just how often I napped when I was at home.

And I won’t let myself think that this isn’t a happy message. It’s a reminder that sometimes happiness is a difficult emotion to keep awake and flourishing in the mind because it’s situational. But you can choose not to wear a bra one day,and call your friends to remind you how successful you are at setting your roots down. And you can look at the people around you struggling in the same way.

Just so, I wake up every day (gently), and I carry my weight (and I set it down when it gets heavy), and I learn. And I grow.

And I grow.