For 18 years I lived a cold story repeated over and over, in the winters of my mind.

One night I stood outside and looked up to the stars with my watery, hollow eyes questioning my self-worth. My emotions were an amusement park in a tornado of confusion. In 2012, my world almost ended… The Mayans were almost right. I blamed myself for everything. Why I wasn’t in the cool crowd, why didn’t girls share the same feelings I had for them and why can’t I be like everyone else? I was outside for hours torturing my mind with these questions.

Do you know what’s it’s like being mistaken as a basic, living in someone’s shadow or losing when you gave every fiber of your being to win?

It’s an endless abyss with little light hitting the bottom. Its like building up a championship worthy team and get to the playoffs and lose in crucial game 7’s. That heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, sickening feeling that overwhelms you when all your energy is… just wasted on an golden opportunity. Your body goes numb, emotions constantly fluctuating and burdens begin to get heavier on your frail back.

It took some deep meditation and some years, but I came to a groundbreaking conclusion. I know my value, my worth and what I deserve. I know and believe that everybody was created equally, but at the end of the day I feel that I’m better than most people. I mean no disrespect when I say that, it’s just that’s my motivation that forces me to work hard at everything I do.

I had to learn to stop comparing my life to others and focus simply on mines. I had to learn that if people don’t connect with me, it’s simply them not me. I had to stop questioning and beating myself up when people don’t like me because I’ve beat the odds. I’ve been getting slept on for way too long. And I’ve been waiting patiently for way too long.

I see myself as a first overall pick. I see myself as an All-Star.

I see myself as a king. I respect and hold myself in the highest regard. I don’t come second to no one in my opinion. I’m not a joke and I’m not here for people’s entertainment. I’m not conceited or pretentious. No, I’m just a real person with real thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I just be myself all the time and some people accept that, others don’t. I’m comfortable and at peace with that. I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m an open, honest and real person. I’m passionate, down to Earth and caring. I have a big heart. I’m also humble and cocky.

I don’t need a partner or person to determine my worth because I know it.  I’m not out here trying to be something I’m not just to impress a handful of people. I don’t need likes or shares to validate me either. I’m open to constructive criticism, but I really don’t care about other people’s opinions about me. I’m the biggest critic on myself, so I don’t need other people to coach me or give me pep talks. I give them to myself on the daily basis from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.

It honestly takes too much energy for me to be fake or hate people. So much energy is wasted and drained from that. It gets to the point where its useless and stupid. Why spend the positive energy you have, get converted into negative energy on people who want to bring you down to their level? Believe me when I say  it’s all love on my end. It truly is, I’m going to give you love regardless even when you sticking a knife in my back. I believe that’s the best thing you can do for people, this eye-for-an-eye stuff only leaves people blinded. Why blind people even more with the world we live in today? For the people that wronged me at some point, I forgive them and keep it moving.

I know what you’re thinking, maybe I should change or conform because I’m a bad person.

That’s not the case at all. I’m a human being that’s wants to make the world a better place. I sincerely do, I don’t go out my way to do spread evil throughout the world. I mean I make my mistakes, but again I’m human. I smoke weed, drink and curse that’s about it. I don’t steal, cheat, hurt or do any serious things.

I’m not making this up to get attention or put me in your good graces, no this is me. I’m not saying I’m Jesus either, I just truly try to help make the world a better place and spread love.

Being that type of person in this world today is extremely difficult. The world is a hard place, it constantly tries to break people wills and swallow them up. Swallow them up until they’re hollow, generic shells that conforms to majority rule.

Every day i’m faced with that battle. Sometimes I feel like just selling out and joining the club, but I can’t do that. Some days I be at the point where I’m about to break, mentally and physically. But I can’t conform to society standard and be brought down to that level. I can’t transform into a person hating on the next man when there’s no need to. It’s hard being the type of person I am in this world. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era and feel foolish to try to uphold my standards and morals. But that’s my identity, that’s just who I am.

I’m not writing this to get sympathy or attention. I’m simply just a writer writing out his frustrations. It just disheartens me to keep getting overlooked, underappreciated and underestimated. I don’t want to have a chip on my shoulder when I’m doing things just to prove other people wrong. I feel as if I’m doing them out of spite, even though I’m passionate and willing to do them on my own free,  joyful will. I don’t want to entertain or give those people a show. No one deserves that and it’s sad people do that for free.

I am no expert in what it means to be perfect.

What it means to be the better person in this world. It’s hard to know what it means to really feel like you deserve things. Like you are worth more then what you give credit for. Trust me when I say… I lost my self worth; but I am slowly gaining it back…. and I mean slowly.

What is it? Is it a feeling, a tingling sensation in your heart and soul that makes you feel like you are on top of the world? You read these quotes on Facebook, Tumblr, and books about being you and that you are enough but sometimes it seems like life questions that. With the obstacles thrown at you like bullets on a wooden block, every hit creating a dent on the surface until one actually goes through.

That’s when you feel worthless.

The piece of gum on someone’s shoe, the trash people throw in the garbage but miss the can and instead hits the ground and its left there as if it’s unimportant. That gum, that piece of trash, that was me a few years ago. I felt a pain that was indescribable yet by some others could be a universal feeling.

There were a lot of things occurring in my life starting my senior year of high school and eventually got worse when I entered college. I thought going away, leaving a home that was stressful and moving on from a past that really broke my heart might have made me feel better, but in reality, it didn’t. It was as if life was testing me; seeing if I can run this race that it was putting me on and testing to see if I can actually push myself to pass the finish line. But the sad thing was I didn’t know where the finish line was.

I was lost.

Looking back I didn’t realize how lost I was. I was pretending that everything was okay, that I could forget and move on by bottling everything inside. But what I didn’t realize was that bottles get full.. full to the point in which they can topple over and break. Last semester of my junior year I felt like I was getting there. It was sad, I was sad…not sure if I was depressed. But I was sad I got to there…to that level.

I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to feel like I am at a point in my life where I am not at my best. And that is important…my best is all that matters and not anyone else’s standards. I realized within myself that I am the one who can change the place I was in and turn a new leaf so to speak.

Its not easy and I am still working on it. But lately I have been hearing other peoples stories, listening to their lives and their thinking, and I think to myself why… why do those things? Why hook up with someone who doesn’t care about you? Why study something you don’t love? Why make others happy and not yourself? Why be someone you are not? Why let people degrade you? Why not feel like you deserve more then what you set forth?

Why?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer… I ask these questions about others… but not to myself and that’s the mistake I made. You are what matters.. What keeps you going, what allows you to wake up in the morning and continue the life you set forth. Your loved ones can push you to get to where you want to be, but you are the only one who can pass that finish line.

Where is that finish line? Only you can decide. Its not “set in stone mark”; it can always change but just make sure you are trying to finish it. Because if you don’t try you get lost to the point where it may not be easy to get back on track. Feel it in you that you are what you want to be, what you deserve to be. You are worth more then you see, so open your eyes and really see the person you are and value that. I am still learning that, but I know I am slowly getting there so don’t be afraid to get there too. It takes time and patience but we will eventually get there hopefully.

Thank you for reading my self worth…so far.