This spring break was one of the most emotionally exhausting weeks of my life since I started college. Despite my hectic academic course load, the root of my exhaustion was not school. In fact, the main catalyst for my exhaustion was my rocky relationship with a boyfriend that I went to high school with. And I didn’t have a plan for a breakup.
The situation was complicated because he attended a college in a different state. The two of us never agreed to end our hazy relationship because of the distance between our universities and because of our own preoccupation with ourselves. Unfortunately, my self-preoccupation and hectic work schedule were getting in the way of all aspects of my life.
It would take a little heartbreak for me to see how my schedule was destroying my mindfulness in life.
Let me give you a larger idea of the type of person I am. Everyday my alarm goes off at 6:47 a.m. I purposefully chose to set my alarm to a number that is not a multiple of 5 to force unconventionality into my hectic work schedule.
Me, living in the moment.
After my alarm goes off, I pack my food and materials for classes, the gym, and clubs for the day into my Jansport backpack. After I have double-checked that I have every material necessary for every step of my event-packed day, I walk outside my apartment door.
Often times, before I leave my building, I am so focused on which direction I should turn when I walk out onto the main road that I can never seem to remember whether I locked my front door or not.
If you haven’t concluded how Type A I am, then maybe this will convince you more. So much of my life revolves around a schedule: I predetermine ideal times to use the restroom, I decide exactly what I am going to eat for the entirety of the week when I make my weekly grocery trip, and I have a daily block schedule handy at all times.
Even though I thrive in an organized environment, I came to the realization that a little lack of preparation can be refreshing. For spring break I decided to make a trip to see some old high school friends and the aforementioned boyfriend.
I was ready to force myself to ignore my desire to plan everything. I considered it an experiment in living life in the moment.
I’m proud that I decided to turn the trip into an experiment to see whether I could enjoy my time in the unknown. After all, they say that it is the journey and not the destination that matters!
However, there was one problem that I felt plagued the success of my trip: how would I feel when I saw him. The unknown haunted me. I ended up feeling confused and hurt and I spent the majority of my trip floundering in a sea of previously buried emotions.
Our future together felt so up-in-the air, and I wasn’t sure how to process the situation or my feelings. It was so much easier to go about my day at school knowing that I would not have to see him and therefore not have to deal with him.
In the end, we mutually decided to end our relationship. Even though we ultimately decided to call it quits, I learned something valuable. I learned that neither preparation nor lack of preparation can protect you from the unexpected pangs brought upon by life.
There is absolutely nothing that I could have done to prepare to protect my heart. Now I see that this is actually okay!
A little pain and heartbreak is good for you. It builds character! Living in the moment and processing emotions as they arose actually gave me some space to enjoy my personal journey in dealing with hurt feelings.
By allowing myself to process the situation in the moment, I was able to open my heart and mind up to feel every step of the way. And I must say, I prefer feeling something and challenging myself to process my emotions rather than waking up at 6:47 a.m. and scheduling time to pee.
Now I look forward to what the next challenging situation will teach me about myself. More importantly, I am looking forward to being surprised by where life will take me next!
