Well, we were pregnant again. We had an eighteen month little girl at home, and we were well on our way to having two kids. It was exciting and overwhelming at the same time. I was so, so sick; barely able to keep any food down most days, let alone try to play with my busy toddler. It was happening. There was no turning back for us.
We were so thrilled to be having another baby! We love being parents and had always wanted to have our kids close together. It was so fun to start planning for our new little one.
I headed into my appointment, and my doctor started to look for that special heartbeat. Nothing. He grabbed an ultrasound machine. Still nothing. Our little baby had died. I was all alone and heartbroken.
We went through a crummy induced labor and delivery and found out that our baby was a little boy. It was a terribly sad day for us. Something that we never expected. We never thought that we would lose a baby. No one ever does. Loss is always hard. Always.
There is something unique about losing an unborn baby. It’s not just about the baby being gone. It’s about the future. You’re entire future is different. We spent months planning on having a new baby, and now he was just gone. It felt weird.
We had been planning a big family trip in the summer, during which I would be pregnant. That was different now. I returned all my maternity swimsuits and tried to settle into a life that was different than what we had been planning.
There was also some relief. I was relieved. Having a baby is such a financial responsibility and is extremely stressful. We were struggling at the time, so I did. I felt relieved.
All I wanted was to have that baby with me. But he was gone and there wasn’t a thing that I could do about it.
I was filled with so many terrible feelings. I didn’t even know how to start healing. I found a great deal of support in friends and family who had similar experiences. My personal beliefs and faith in God and His plan helped and gave me strength. My husband stood by me. He was broken too, but together we were able to put our world back together and settle into our new reality.
And I know that I would not have survived without my daughter. She is a joy and being her mom kept me going.
A few months later, after experiencing some issues with sleep deprivation and other personal struggles, I decided to talk to my doctor about the possibility of post-partum depression. After a few conversations with my doctor, we decided to try an anti-depressant to help with my sleep. I am so grateful for the help that I had from medication and helpful doctors. I know that I would not be where I am without this.
People are always willing to listen, more than I ever realized. I also learned that I was stronger than I thought. I wasn’t able to be strong every day, but I did my best to chose to be happy for myself and my family.
Ultimately, I healed and overcame this loss because I of the choices I made every single day. I chose my family. I did not want to be lost in a grey cloud of grief, and I knew that I couldn’t be the best wife and mother if I was constantly lost in my sadness. I chose to be happy.
I put on a smile, even when it hurt the most. I chose to remain positive and to remember that the pain I was experiencing wouldn’t last forever. It was only permanent if I let it be.