Who am I and what am I doing?
This question has plagued me for the past three and a half years. It has consumed my time, energy, thoughts, and emotions. This fundamental question of why. And my attempts to answer this question have only made me more and more confused about the realities of this life.
Therefore, I will cease attempting to answer these questions. And when I do, I will finally see. “Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways trust in the Lord”.
The questions come flooding back in and I don’t know why. It frustrates me to no end that I am not able to discern the truth of these matters.
Alas, that is my fate. For I am not a great wise man. Neither am I a particularly righteous or godly man. Though I have tried incredibly hard to be one. I am not entirely sure what it means to be godly, but I know it is nothing that I have come close to attaining. In all of my attempts to become like God, I have only succeeded in becoming a hypocrite. For I cannot make myself perfect. And the more I try to be perfect, and uphold the law of righteousness, the more I fail. And as I fail I become more and more distraught with myself and my life situation. Yet I continue on this path. I seem destined to struggle forever.
Yet there is one who can save me from my toilsome and meaningless labor. And that person is Jesus Christ. This I know because I have heard it from those who have been saved from Christ himself. Who saw the Lord, and recognized Him for who he is: God.
The Lord said “repent”, and I keep on my unfaithful path. The Lord said “turn from your ways” and I obstinately yell no. Without fail. Though I want so badly to turn and take his yoke upon my shoulders, for I have heard this yoke is light, I continue to be weighed down by my own wickedness.
What is it that prevents me from turning to that which I so desperately desire? My own desire to become a righteous person. A selfish desire to triumph over my own evil ways so that I may have something to boast about. But in Christ there is no boasting. “For the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” And this is the message that I have received. The same message preached in the gospels. The same message that has been spread all over the world, according to the will of God.
And so, as I look for ways to distort the message so that it will sound more pleasing to a new generations’ ears, I must stop myself. The message is the same. It will not change. For God has said “my word will last forever”. What then shall I say about these matters that has not already been said There is nothing I can add to the message. It has been spoken by God himself through the prophets and apostles through the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of Truth. The Advocate. What then, can I possibly do?
At last I realize. I am no teacher. I am no wise man. I am no righteous person. I am merely a sinner. A common man. One of the multitude. And now I must ask of God the only thing that I am permitted to ask: mercy.
This is my struggle. And not just my struggle, but all of ours. For all of us are born into this world as infants. Unknowing and innocent. And all of us experience life, which tends to destroy this innocence we once possessed.
Yet all of us have access to the hope that is in Jesus Christ, that we may enter back into the land of the innocent, from whence we came. To once again experience love and peace and joy, without fear. And though we may suffer dearly today, there is no force greater than the Love that is in Christ; not even death. And this Love extends to each and every one of us. And this is the truth.