I’ve been in a slew of bad relationships and situations. The events have varied: the slick quarterback that cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend; quitting my meager drive-thru job with the hopes of obtaining a big girl career (never happened); the almost-fiancé that, after four years, still loved Evan Williams more than me.

I’m not asking for sympathy – I put myself in these places time and time again. Like a moth to a flame.

However, the only thing that remained consistent is my best friend, my second half, my heart and soul: my little sister, Maria.

Maria is three years younger than me and responded with eye rolls in high school, “Yes, I’m the little sister.” We were polar opposites. While she planned her presidency for clubs at school, I planned how to haul kegs through the woods. She would be asleep by 8 PM for volleyball practice in the morning, and I would sneak out the windows to roam through the night.

We never hung out and, more importantly, we never talked. She was embarrassed by my antics, and I was embarrassed I wasn’t a better sister. She opened up to me ever-so-slightly last summer. “You think you could dye a little strip of my hair purple? I can’t reach.” So Maria and I both had strips of periwinkle in our hair for the summer of 2015. That is, until, she landed her big girl internship at Disney.

“Christina, they made me dye it back! It’s not in the dress code!” Months later, once she was home, she would look at me and say, “You wanna get sister tattoos?” The one thing she never wanted, and now she wanted to get one with me, of all people.

 We both carry keyblades (yes, those keyblades) fashioned in the shape of our childhood home house keys with each other’s initial.

I was forgiven. Somehow, and I am still very unsure how this unfolded, but Maria and I now live together in Athens. We both attend The University of Georgia and haven’t killed each other yet. Maria will casually have a glass of wine with dinner, and I’ll rush home to finish homework before passing out during the nightly news.

Our high school fights of playing music too loudly have morphed to cuddling on the couch, watching the newest Good Mythical Morning episode or, yes, playing Kingdom Hearts.

She student teaches, volunteers at churches, helps with Relay for Life, plans events for the community…and asks me to help now. Do you think you could take pictures at this event? Do you want to drive around and put out collection canisters? Do you want to just go have a beer? It’s hard to see past the awkward teenage stage. If you asked me ten years ago if Maria and I could live harmoniously under one roof without parental referees, I’d think you were kidding.

But, here we are, almost a year living together. No fights. No screaming. An occasional prank or two, but nothing too damaging.

The fact is this: all relationships are difficult, dating or otherwise, but the people that you should keep on your team are the same ones you wanted to pick last in neighborhood kickball tournaments.

The same ones you kicked out of your tree fort for spying; the same ones who, after years of self-hatred and destruction, pick you up, dust you off, and love you anyway.   Maria, you remain everything to me. I am so proud to call you my sister.

The very idea may seem ridiculous, even offensive to some people. However, prophets can be cited as examples of powerful spiritual personalities who have held a temporary resentment toward GOD for the judgments HE brought down because of the sins and evils committed by HIS chosen people. The punishments often seemed worse than the crime, in their eyes. Truly, forgiving GOD is never necessary, and yet…I have occasionally held some residue, deep inside, a secret resentment, even disappointment toward GOD for the situations I found myself in throughout my life.

The suffering of the innocent would grind my gears.

For example, I was so angry when I lost my Soror, lawyer to be, sister friend to AIDS. How could GOD not rescue her or prevent evil from happening to her? I was angry with GOD because in 1989 he allowed me to bare witness to a stranger’s suicide. I stood as he jumped from the bridge to his death because brain cancer destroyed his beautiful forensic mind.

I tried to stop him but couldn’t and held myself personally responsible for my inability to physically stop the jumper. I was angry with GOD for years because I thought I’ve been dealt a bad hand. I thought it unfair that I was childless and unmarried. I am after all a good daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, neighbor, and Godmother. I have no vices to speak of. I am not unlike those who live the fairytale and find happily ever after. I am no menace to society. I have played by the rules of a civilized society. I am educated because the principle goal of education is to create individuals who are capable of doing new things, not simply of repeating what other generations have done, people who are creative, inventive discoverers.

So why has GOD denied me? I was angry with GOD because why would HE allow me to meet and grow to love the wrong person for all the right reasons yet again. How could HE allow me to unwittingly discover the man who is undoubtedly my music from another room and not allow me to dance with him forever?

I resented GOD because HE not only took my Mother too soon but HE took her before I could apologize to her. Four years ago when I lost my Mother to lupus we were distant. Let me quantify that, being distant for us meant we spoke once a day instead of three to four times a day. My Mother & I were very close my entire life but there was distance at her time of death because the four months leading up to her death I got engaged to someone that she thought was no good for me.

I didn’t see it but as always she was right. Before she died I knew she was right but I was too proud to say I was wrong.

We argued that October 2011 and never spoke of it. Like it never happened. I still called. We talked for three hours the night before she died but I didn’t go home as often because I was mad. Not apologizing or making amends left me with tremendous guilt when she died, it’s my worst regret, my greatest shame. I blamed myself and I was angry with GOD for robbing me of the chance to fix it.

I bet we are absolutely pissed off with God far more than we would like to admit.

While it may seem irrational and illogical to blame GOD for choosing the wrong partner, accepting an unfulfilling career, or living financially beyond your means, many of us do just that. We blame GOD. I held GOD responsible for my Mother’s death, my Soror’s suffering, my poor choices, my stubbornness, my hardspots, and my singleness. Who am I to forgive GOD for not preventing all the horrible things that have happened to me and to the world?

I’m human. But in my humanness I’ve discovered that my deeper healing will only come when I admit to myself that I am angry and accept that it’s okay to be the same. Only then can I truly appreciate that GOD allowed me to witness the stranger’s suicide so I could appreciate life and know permanent solutions are not the answer to temporary problems. HE took my Soror and Mother because he needed them more and recognized the lessons I learned in the wake of their deaths were necessary for my continued growth.

I discovered that nothing is promised so you’ve got to fix things, tell people how you feel, let them know that they matter.

Everything I held a grudge against GOD for was just not and is not in HIS plan for me. I suspect GOD brings people to my life so that I can stand in the gap for them. When GOD has us unwittingly intercede for one another, our chief purpose is to fill in those gaps in one another’s spiritual armor and hold up that person so the enemy can’t gain an advantage over them.

Likewise, when we fail to intercede for one another, we’re virtually giving the key to that person’s spiritual house to his/her enemies for them to wreak havoc, to steal that person’s peace or joy. Just as we wouldn’t build a brick wall and intentionally leave gaping holes in the cement joints, I would go so far as to say it is malicious for me to not “go between”/ “stand in the gap” for my brother, my sister.

Jesus said, “By this all shall know that you are my disciples, if you have love toward one another.” [John 13:35] How can I say I love anyone and not pray for them? It’s impossible! It’s a contradiction and a lie! “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” [James 5:16]

Perhaps GOD disappoints me to incite empathy, it pushes me to feel the pain of others in my heart. HE makes me angry, calling me to stand. So I’m standing in the gap. It’s not easy, it’s frustrating, it’s even painful but I’m standing in the gap for others because it is on the side of righteousness and it is how I forgive myself and atone for questioning GOD.

Many will find my willingness to acknowledge my anger and disappointment with GOD blasphemous. Holding something against GOD, Kimberly? Really? I say to you GOD already knows my heart. What is it exactly that you think GOD doesn’t already know about you?

If I ever doubted articulating what I was angry with GOD about or that I forgive GOD, it was confirmed this morning as I took pen to paper.

Since my Mother’s death there have been days where I literally questioned my ability to go on, i.e. get dressed, face the world, and even interact with people. Then I am reminded of her humor, her spirit and the presence of GOD. What occurs most often is that I go downstairs to find the light or ceiling fan on in my den.

Surely any electrician will say there’s a wiring issue or the remote control for the ceiling fan needs tweaking but I believe it is the presence of my Mother and therefore GOD.  This morning at four o’clock GOD and my Mommy showed up again, offering their blessing for my desire to tell this tale. So with that confirmation I am reminded that what matters supremely is not the fact that I know GOD, but the larger fact which underlies it, is that HE knows me and is present.

I am graven on the palms of HIS hands. I am never out of HIS mind.

All my knowledge of HIM depends on HIM  and his never yielding interest in knowing me. I know HIM because HE first knew me, and continues to know me. HE knows me as HIS inquisitive child who constantly asks why and why not, who is stubborn, loving, kind, generous, proud, and who is also angered by what allows her to stumble and what manifests as suffering to others in the world. HE knows me as HIS and HE knows I forgive HIM  and trust Him without hesitation, or reservation; because I choose to die empty for HIM, again and again.

(Written by Margaret Coleman)

Broken I come. Empty. My cup is full of tears. Yet you are so faithful to show me where you were in the past years, The years of abuse, the years that the locust came and my life was changed. Numb and broken I stood. I didn’t know where you were. I didn’t understand. Yet you tell me now, that you were with me.

YOU WERE WITH ME.

You were holding my hand. You were my strength, you enabled me to stand. You were the sustaining grace that has brought me to stand here today. You are with me and you are faithful. Again I say, YOU ARE WITH ME, and

YOU ARE FAITHFUL.

You are here to stay. You are constant and true, You are healing the broken places- the black and the blue. I was hiding. Hiding from who you are and always have called me to be. Caught up in an endless sea of insecurity. Searching for satisfaction, while knowing you are the only one that satisfies. Not believing the truth but rather lies.

Not seeing myself through your eyes. Seemingly walking on thin ice of others words and judgments, Too often finding myself broken by their words, and not by your Word. Hiding so often from fully being with you, Because I was scared to be held by you. The depth and vastness of your loves is so overwhelming and deep. Often times in your presence I find myself undone as I begin to weep.

So I stay surface level, with others and with you O lord, Yet you know me, you know me through and through. You see my heart, and you long for me to HIDE myself in ONLY you. Surface is comfortable it doesn’t ask much, Or really tell much either. Surface never really gets to the point, it just casually talks around it. Surface is the typical response to, “Hi, how are you?”… “Good, good!”

Lord I confess I cry out, not everything is good, Not everything is okay all the time, Oh, but YOU ARE. You Father, are the bright Morning Star. You break through the darkness and you speak life.

You hold me safely, as my tears fall at night. Father you are good, always faithful. So draw me out of myself, my sin, Set my feet upon you and show me where to begin, Begin walking in security and assurance. To no longer hide but to be hidden. Hidden in who you are and always have called me to be. Caught up in an endless sea of security and mercy. Drowning in endless grace, captivated by you, Eyes locked, looking unto your glorious face.

The Creator and Captivator of my heart. Forever. For your voice is louder and sweeter than any other, Your truth penetrates my heart and it shows me who I am. It reminds me that when I feel like giving up- When I find myself saying, “I can’t…” that Jesus..

YOU CAN!

“I can, because I am” I am your sufficiency, I am your Healer; I am your Father, I am your Helper, I am for you, I am with you, I am merciful, I am just, I am faithful, I am patient; I am your refuge, I am trustworthy, I am fighting for you, and I am always with you.

MY STEADFAST LOVE ENDURES FOREVER.

He can and he will, so today I pray you feel. Feel his sweet love that conquers all fears. I pray that you see the endless grace he has poured out on your life, over the past years. I pray you feel his comfort in the midst of your pain. And I pray today that things would never be the same. That you would leave His presence radically changed. That you would believe God’s truth, rather than lies. I pray that you would take off your disguise.

It is okay to cry, you can come rest He says, you don’t have to try. Don’t try and hold it all in, bring it to me and let it shatter at my feet, Come into my arms, come and meet. Meet with me, abide with me, look to me, and confide in me. I am safe.

When you dance, I dance along with you. When you cry, I am there crying and comforting you. When you try to hide, I am the one that is your refuge and safe place. When you are scared, I am the one, who takes your hand, And lifts your head with peace and assurance. When you are too weak to fight, I am fighting for you- On your behalf and I will never stop.

When you throw up your hands and want to give up, I am the one that lifts your hands and your eyes. For I am your Helper. When you are frustrated, I whisper, “I understand, tell me more.” And I tell you of my sweet promises. When you are tired and weary, I am your strength. When you have been going and going, I am your resting place. I am here. So come near. When you find yourself full of questions and doubt, I am the answer, I will give you faith. When you are reminded of who you were…

I am faithful to tell you…WHO YOU ARE!

You are mine and you are loved, So loved that I would send my one and only Son, From Heaven above, He lived a sinless life and bore all your sins, He longs for you to come to Him. So freely come. Come and be forgiven and take hold of life. Life, He is life, I pray you all take hold of that tonight. He is restoring the years the locust have stolen. And he is making you whole. Whole, and holy, He is making you more like him.

The Lord is making you new, Yes you He is making you new. HIS steadfast LOVE ENDURES FOREVER, through and through!