1 in 4 college athletes suffer from depression. I am that one.

The daughter of a pastor, basketball player at Clemson University, a perfectionist, I am that one athlete that suffers from depression.

From a young age, I’ve always lived my life trying to please the people around me, trying to do the right thing, and trying to live that “perfect” life. I’ve always made good grades, I played 3 sports in high school, I went to church every Sunday, and I was on track to graduating college ahead of time. So it might be shocking to some people that I am that 1 athlete that suffers from depression.

You know the nervous feeling you get when you’re about to play in the big game, take the big test, or even make a big decision? What about the lump you get in your throat that makes you feel like you can’t breathe right before the tears start to fall. It’s the empty feeling or confusion that makes it so hard to deal with. It’s the sadness that overcomes you when you know you have to get out of the bed to just try to make it through a day that seems like it will never end.

It’s the feeling of loneliness when you’re sitting by yourself and your thoughts consume you. It’s even the feeling of anger that overtakes you and you don’t understand why it has to be you.

A feeling of hopelessness when you wonder why you even try because nothing good can come out of trying anymore. It’s the feeling of being afraid that you have to finally speak up and find the help that you desperately need.

The weight of embarrassment you carry when in the back of your mind you know that not everyone will understand what’s going on when you try your hardest to explain it to them.

Confusion because you don’t even know what’s wrong. It’s the feeling of the little white pills swirling around in the bottle as you decide if it’s really worth it. “What will my family do? What if my roommate finds me? How will my boyfriend feel? Will it be a cop out? Will I go straight to hell? Do I leave a note?”

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

All these feelings that make me that one college athlete that suffers from anxiety and depression.

I knew that something was wrong when it became a big deal to get out of the bed. This became difficult because I knew that if I got up and left the house, I would be faced with responsibilities that I didn’t think I could handle.

When I would finally muster up the courage to leave, the house I would get a nervous and sad feeling that would overtake me, but I had no idea why I was feeling that way. I would be around so many people, but feel so alone.

I would cry, but nothing was wrong. I had a constant nervous feeling, about what, I had no idea. It was hard to smile and even harder to laugh and I knew that something was really wrong. My days were full of classes, workouts, tutors, and homework; but the depression and anxiety always found a way to work itself into my day.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

I tried to hide these terrible and confusing feelings from everyone that I could, but what was going on inside of me began to show up on the outside. I wasn’t myself anymore. I couldn’t eat. I struggled to sleep. My grades were slipping. I was missing class and suicidal thoughts started to fill my head.

The hardest part of it all was why me.

I couldn’t figure out what I did to deserve what I was going through. I had gotten to the point to where I was just tired of being tired. I was praying and it seemed like God wasn’t even listening.

I tried to remind myself that everything was going to be okay and that I was going to come out of this difficult situation that I was in a bigger and better person than I was, but I didn’t really believe the things that I was telling myself. When I began to have suicidal thoughts I knew that someone needed to know that I was going through so I began to throw hints about what was going on to my boyfriend.

I was praying that he would have the answer to what would make me feel better through this tough time. He finally convinced me to open up to my parents about the things that I was really going through.

I wasn’t sure how I could explain to my parents that I was going through so much without them knowing that anything was going on. I didn’t want them to feel like they weren’t doing an amazing job as parents because they were doing everything and more to make sure that I was well taken care of even while I was in school.

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to have this conversation face to face with my parents so I decided that I would send a text message to my mom to give her an idea of what was really going on behind all the I’m doing great text messages that I was sending every day.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

I decided that I needed the help of a professional and soon after, I began seeing a physiologist who has been such a major part of my recovery.

I decided that I would take a break from basketball to focus on my personal and mental health and just getting better as a whole. I spent time at home surrounded by amazing people like my family, my boyfriend, and my best friend, Makayla.

It made a huge difference. I was surrounded by so many prayers, and a lot of love, and I began to notice a change in my happiness. This time at home was great, but also hard. I was no longer worrying about school, basketball, and everything else that came with college, but my main focus was on having to face what was really going on in my life.

Having the professional help I needed and an amazing support system behind me has gotten me through the most difficult times and brought me closer to the happiness that I’ve always known.

I’ve had some very amazing people that have stuck by my side through everything that has been going on and I’m so thankful for that. My family has understood me on my good days and my not so good days.

My boyfriend has stuck it out through the good, the bad, and the real ugly. My roommate, Victoria, has been more of a blessing than she will ever know. And lastly my amazing friend, Makayla, has been there through everything and she has listened to even the smallest complaints from over 300 miles away. Through everything that has been going on, God has still been doing some amazing things in my life and I am nothing but blessed, for this journey I know that better days are coming.

Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”

—John 13:7

Someday I will.

(Written by Lindsey Kehres)

When I was younger, happiness seemed quite elusive.

I woke up each day going through the motions of one who was living. I would enjoy time with friends, eat dinner with my family, and at night immerse myself in various worlds with every book I read. Often it felt like I was living my life through someone else’s; through the hundreds of pages in which they told me their stories.

To me, I was simply lacking what I called “my passion”. And as soon as I found this thing that I was passionate about all would be better.

I was depressed. And I didn’t know it. Depression runs in my family, but that meant nothing to me. I was 15. And probably one of the most stubborn 15-year-olds in the history of the universe (I like to blame that trait on being a Leo).

My mom asked me if I wanted to see a therapist and I was appalled. In my mind, therapy was for people who were crazy and I was obviously not one of those people.

High school was a blur of mundanity, people who cared far too much about things that didn’t matter, and friends who either stuck by my side or faded off into the distance.

It was during my senior year of high school where I first learned to let go of people who only drained my cup and never refilled it.

The kind of people who twisted my words, turned against me, and decided to taint my final year. I have gained the ability to let go and move on and for that I am grateful.

In the first semester of college came the happiest few months of my life up to that point. I was in a new state, a new school, surrounded by all new people; and I loved it. I joined a sorority and suddenly was surrounded by a strong group of dedicated and loving women.

It was all so wonderful until it wasn’t.

Second semester I fell into a deep depression, although at the time I wasn’t all too sure what it was. I was tired all the time and lacked any form of energy and motivation. I have always been a driven individual, so dealing with this sudden loss of interest was the hardest part for me. It was like I was living in a hazy daydream; living in a fog in which I couldn’t shake.

Then one day, after about a month, everything changed. I woke up and felt as though my depressed episode had never happened. To this day it has been one of the weirdest experiences. It was as if someone finally decided to flick the light switch of my heart and mind back on, so I soldiered on.

Life during my sophomore year of college became excruciating. The weight that I had gained my freshman year hung heavy on my mind and heart. I was finally at the weight my doctors had pleaded for, but I wasn’t happy. Thoughts became obsessive, relationships with those close to me became strenuous, and I began to once again restrict my diet.

This restriction was not a new concept to me. After a tremendous growth spurt my sophomore year of high school I had fought long and hard to keep myself at 100 pounds. Looking back I find it hard to comprehend how I kept my 5’9 frame at such a weight. I was at the lowest point in my life.

Every day was a battle to get out of bed, an attempt in vain to connect with others, a struggle to accept harsh criticism, and a fight to fend off disturbing thoughts of suicide. I was so low I wasn’t sure if I could ever find my way out of the abyss I had landed in.

But I did.

I reached out and found help for myself. I realized that I would never get better until I decided I wanted to and made strides to do so. I went into counseling for the next months to tackle these problems that I had been facing yet couldn’t define.

After a few months I came to terms with my depression, and after a few more I came to terms with my anorexia. It was with the help of my therapist and some internal reflection that I decided this: these labels do not define me. No matter the comments that were made or the doctors that I saw, I was not my eating disorder. And I was not my mental condition. And to this day I am not.

Sometimes you need to put labels on the battles you are facing, but that does not mean those labels will stick to you. They are simply used to help you sort out the chaos of the mind and help to organize your life. I can and have written whole stories on my eating disorder alone, but that is not all that I am made of so I do not choose to do so here.

Off I went to England to study abroad and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. Now there was finally a time for me to work on myself. To feel okay saying “I want to learn to love myself before I can love anyone else”.

For understanding that pursuing my passion for writing and exploring the world with me, myself, and I was all I really wanted right now. I realized that now was my time to be selfish. I had spent so long being overly-conscious of others’ feelings that I never actually looked out for my own.

I gave other people’s problems priority and in turn ignored the demons I was facing.

But not anymore.

Today, I care for myself. I have learned to live and let go of my past and those who no longer want to be part of my future. I have learned that being comfortable in my own skin is not an easy task, but it is something I will happily work towards. And I have learned that it is up to you to give your life purpose.

Every day I strive to fall in love with something, someone, or someplace. Life has a lot to offer if you let it; and I have found that having a sense of adventure can lead you to finding peace within the world.

So here’s to losing yourself in nature and finding yourself again among the sea. It is with this search for peace of mind that I am learning to love my life.

We live in a small world where we must learn how to play with the cards we are dealt. Everything is part of a bigger picture and the slightest detail can make the biggest difference. Life is chaotic, confusing, and challenging, but that is part of what makes it beautiful and worth living: it is a beautiful disaster.

We ask ourselves why bad things happen to good people; we wonder why life is unfair. We live in a world with natural disasters, poverty, world hunger, war, and crime. Negativity surrounds us, but without it, we would not know what positivity is. How would we appreciate sunny skies without a little rain? If it never rained, then partly cloudy would be less than perfect.

Life is not perfect—everything needs a balance between the good and the bad—and sometimes, things are out of our control, but we must accept them for what they are and move forward. Learn how to play the cards life has dealt you.

I am still learning how to play, and I am doing the best I can. That is all we can do: our best. We all face different obstacles, some worse than others, but we are still living in the same hell just with different demons. One of my demons is depression.

Mental illness does not go away overnight. It is an everyday struggle consisting of medication, doctors, therapists, and yourself. You are your toughest critic, worst enemy, and the one person you cannot avoid. It is easier to fake a smile and pretend like everything is fine than to admit to others, sometimes even yourself, what is consuming you inside.

Depression feels like you are drowning: you see how close you are to the surface, but you still cannot come up for air.

You are falling apart inside with no way out. You become a different person and you miss who you used to be. You look at old pictures and wonder where that happy person went—you feel lost. Asking myself why this was happening to me did not help. Saying life is unfair did not help. Sulking in my sorrows did not get me anywhere. I felt hopeless, but thankfully I had someone who saved me from myself. He changed my perspective and brought sunshine into the storm clouds in my head. His name was Pablo; may he rest in peace.

Pablo was one of the greatest friends I ever had; he was an incredible person always full of joy—always lending a helping hand. He kept me centered. He always reminded me to count my blessings instead of my problems; he always gave the best advice.

He taught me how to see the negatives as blessings in disguises. Life is a learning experience and everything happens for a reason. It is hard to understand what that reason is, but I believe life is not meant to be understood. There is not a survival guide to life; life is not black and white—it is grey.

Perspective is everything: “some people look at sunsets as the end of something beautiful that once was: the day. Others see it as simply a new beginning to a different, but equally beautiful, thing: the night.” The day I understood everything was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out.

The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go—I let it all go.

My situation became irrelevant when I saw it as a potential blessing, as a learning experience, as an opportunity to better myself. I changed my perspective and I changed my situation. Everything happens for a reason, and like Douglas Adams put it: “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I [know] I have ended up where I needed to be.” I learned how to play the cards I was dealt with.

Stop focusing on the negatives and become the best version of yourself. Learn to appreciate what you have and make the best of it. Strive for excellence and never get discouraged by the journey because you are capable of doing anything you set your mind too.